Two years ago, this month my father was diagnosed with stage four metastatic pancreatic cancer. For the past twenty-four months I have taken a detour from life as I knew it into a tumultuous space of the unknown. In the way steel is tempered in fire, I felt life provided me the same experience – a burning away of the unnecessary to expose and leave only the essential.
As I look back now, it has felt surreal and dreamlike. So much living has been jampacked into this timespan – my dad’s illness, his death, my mother’s cognitive decline and placement in an assisted living, the dissolution of my parent’s life and selling of their home. The list goes on, but you get the point…it’s a lot.
It was so extremely paramount to stay in the present moment and deal with what was needed and required in the now. The future held too many unknowns to even entertain strolling down that lane. I just kept focused on being present to what life was putting in front of me at any given moment. What I am most grateful for is the way life supported me throughout this entire endeavor. The people, places and kind faces just seemed to rise up to meet every need as it was presented.
I realized that we are all there together, living on the edge. Life’s edge, the place where pain, joy and all emotions reside. It’s the very fabric of our lives. Woven together and bound by our common humanity, we will all walk down a similar path of loss, grief, joy and redemption. The circumstances may be different, but the result is the same.
By the fact that we all traverse this unpredictable journey of life together, we can be comforted in knowing that we are never alone. For better or for worse, we stand on the shoulders of countless others who have endured all that life presents and survived. Sometimes with battle wounds or scars but often, if we are lucky with a renewed sense of faith in the love and goodwill that exists inside every person.
More than a wildly successful tagline and advertising campaign for Nike, this popular slogan holds the key to unlocking us from the fear that keeps us in chains. The beauty of this sage advice can be found both in the simplicity of the message and its potency if heeded. So often in my own life I have let fear and uncertainty keep me from getting in the game of life. I relegated myself to the sidelines out of fear of failure and effectively missed out on opportunities for growth and expansion in an effort to play it safe.
What I eventually came to realize is that fear and confidence weren’t opposing traits – where some lucky candidates got blessed or born with one over the other. They were traits that existed simultaneously and were essentially connected. The mistake I made for years was waiting for the fear to be gone before I acted. Confidence is cultivated by taking action in the midst of fear. I recently saw a great example of this while watching an episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
In this particular episode, Jerry Seinfeld spoke with Eddie Murphy about their early days as new comedians on the scene. Each complimented the other on their confidence and fearlessness while on stage, only to then have each one admit they felt anything other than that at the time. In fact, they talked about how the fear of knowing you might bomb up there is actually still present and is a vital part of the whole process. They said that fear and failure are essential ingredients for success.
It is a story heard time and again from successful people in all genres. They felt the fear and did it anyway. They failed, were told no, faced insurmountable setbacks and pushed forward anyway. It seems Nike knew what they were doing all those years ago in 1988 when they crafted this slogan. So, take this advice to heart…Just Do It – go on ahead and push forward in the face of fear, you’ll be so glad you did.
We learn pretty early in life the inclination to run away from things that scare us and cling to things that soothe us. What no one ever told us was this approach to life was not only flawed, but absolutely incapable of ever producing the peace, harmony and joy we hoped it would deliver. “The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences” – This quote from the verses on the faith-mind by the Third Zen Patriarch captures the essence of why this seemingly natural approach to life is doomed to failure.
If I have a particular way I want things to be, that means I also have ways I don’t want things to be. Since I have very little control over other people, places and life events, the likelihood things will unfold the way I need them to be to feel safe and secure is highly unlikely. This means that whether I consciously realize it or not, I will be spending my life attempting to manipulate, control and arrange things to be a way that makes me feel okay. These attempts rarely work of course, which creates what we call stress and problems.
The key to our freedom resides in shifting our focus from “how can I get things the way I need them to be?” to asking the only question that will unlock the chains that bind us, which is “why do I need things a certain way to feel safe, peaceful, loved etc.?”. This shift in our approach to life completely changes our interactions and is a totally different way of transacting with life and the world around us. One way seeks to get things how we define them as satisfactory and the other way lets life unfold without taking it so personally.
Afterall, we are basing what we want, like, approve of and agree with on our limited set of experiences. In the face of different experiences, we would have different likes and dislikes. When we encounter an experience that exposes us to a new point of view or impacts us deeply, we often shift or change our point of view. This very truth should tell us that the process of how we decide what we like or dislike is based on the flimsiest data set ever.
It is exactly why the Buddha said all of life is suffering, caused by preference. When we accept life on its terms, we can truly receive the gifts it has to offer us. That means we can feel joy, sadness, elation, grief and all other emotions without seeking to push away the scary and grasp at the soothing. We realize that it is all part of what life is offering us and we get the honor of taking this wild and crazy journey for a few decades, if we’re lucky. All we really have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.
A robust debate would likely ensue when getting an opinion poll on the most desirable traits a human being can possess. In my humble opinion, the trifecta of traits would include being calm, kind and resilient. The reason behind the importance of these traits stems from the power and personal agency created by their expression.
Truly holding the space of calmness means trust. For there are a plethora of life experiences we encounter that can’t be solved or navigated unless we truly trust and believe that a power greater than our own best thinking is supporting us and has our back. When we deeply believe this, then calmness under pressure begins to be our natural state. While the torrential winds and rain of “life” beat against us, we suddenly find ourselves able to hold an inner state of calm amidst the storms and rising tides of change.
Being kind is the next all-important trait. For to be kind is to understand that gentleness, love and mercy are truly gifts we give ourselves. We realize that the very expression of empathy, generosity and kindness we extend to other people, animals and the earth is in direct proportion to the belief we hold about our own worth and how deserving we feel to be on the receiving end of all good.
It may sound counterintuitive, but our stinginess to bring kindness to all situations and circumstances is in direct proportion to our internal judgements we hold about ourselves and others. The doling out of kindness based on virtue or earned merit means we subconsciously feel that it is a response based on worthiness versus a way of being that is our default position, regardless of the person or situation.
Lastly, I think the most important trait of all is the ability to be resilient. For without possession of this trait we lose the ability to pick ourselves back up and try again. Life can often leave us feeling so exhausted, beaten down and hopeless that we opt out of even trying. When this happens, we essentially stop living a fully engaged life and decide to make ourselves as small as possible to mitigate the damage of enduring any further trauma and tragedy.
Being resilient enables us to get back in the game of life quicker, easier and with an understanding that the ups, downs, setbacks and unexpected detours are all part of the plan. Every seemingly impossible obstacle along the way is seeking to fortify and build within us the muscle of resiliency.
Throughout the deepest and darkest chapters in human history, individuals that were triumphant over unthinkable adversity had these essential traits. We are in the midst of deeply trying times once again. And history will remember these times as being another defining moment in which the people who not only survive, but thrive were those amongst us who were able to access the calmness, kindness and resiliency within them and to share it fearlessly with the world.
We can often find ourselves searching for teachers, mentors,
gurus or other forms of sage wisdom in the midst of life’s most difficult
moments. It can feel so reassuring to have someone wiser provide us with a
direction to take or an answer to our problems. Particularly when we are
feeling confused, tired and uneasy about the best course of action. There is
nothing wrong with this approach. In fact, these special figures in our lives
can often direct us toward or help set us on the path of personal unfoldment.
Their support, encouragement and teachings can be instrumental in unlocking our
own latent potential.
The only caveat is that we can grow to become too dependent on this outside guidance and begin to subjugate our decision making to others. When this happens, we are entering dangerous territory. What was once helpful can quickly become a crutch. We can even become unable to act or make decisions without getting guidance, consultation or assurance from whomever we deem as wise and knowledgeable. In essence, we perceive them as better suited to handle or advise us in the current crisis du jour. The truth of the matter is the presence of all teachers or gurus in our lives are meant to serve as a wake-up call and reminder of the power we hold within ourselves.
We come into these human lives with everything we need for
the journey ahead of us. Life is tailor-made to provide each of us with just
the right circumstances, situations and people to take us where we are meant to
go. Our individual paths of self-realization are varied and unique, but the
commonality is that we carry everything we need within us. From this
perspective, it is less about seeking for the right guidance from outside
advisors and more about turning within. In fact, the best mentors and teachers
reinforce the idea that we should always honor our own inner knowing above any
advice or guidance from an outside source.
When we find ourselves staring down a seemingly immovable
problem or faced with another intractable situation, we can pause, breathe and
turn inward. We take our inquiry within, not to the analytical or rational
mind, but to our own heart-centered wisdom and inner compass of knowing. The
simplicity of the process should not be confused with its power. The steps
themselves are quite easy. We start with quieting our minds, then make our
inquiry, next we let go of any agenda and become open to the guidance, we wait
for an answer knowing that it will surely come. Our job is to be aware that the
answer may come in an unexpected way and typically with a solution that we had
We build the muscle of connecting with our own wisdom and
begin to trust ourselves in the most beautiful, genuine and natural way. From
this vantage point of deep connection to our own selves we can see how every
experience, encounter and person along the way helped to unearth the wisdom we
In the midst of challenging times both personally and
globally most of us find that our minds are in a very unsettled and anxious
place. Typically, this results in one of two outcomes in our behavior. We
either go into shut down mode and retreat into a lethargic depressed state or
we move into overdrive and attempt to channel that energy into a to-do list of
action. While neither one of these is the right or wrong approach, the key is
staying aware and connected to our bodies and feelings in either scenario.
So often we slip into auto pilot and find ourselves being driven by old behavior patterns and this is particularly true when we are in survival mode and dealing with fight or flight energy. One way this presents itself is in the push energy of overdrive. We want to complete the task, check the box, and often ignore signals from our bodies that we need to slow down. It can feel unsafe to stop because all of that energy we are channeling into efforts and results has to be felt instead.
We essentially have to stop running our favorite program of coping and become willing to titrate our experience with life in a new way. That “new” way may look like exploring how it would feel if we didn’t finish the project, push to get all the chores done, be there for everyone whenever they have a request or need. What if we were willing to follow our impulse to take a pause, say no or God forbid, not complete a project that we started. By tuning into the body’s wisdom and cues we can begin to create this new way of being.
This works equally well if our pattern is to move into shut down mode. By retreating in defeat, we are telling ourselves a story that we can’t handle what is being presented. But is that really true? Again, we can be willing to titrate our experience, listen to our inner wisdom and become interested and curious in exploring a new way of being. When we interrupt these automatic programs with awareness and curiosity, we create the space for new explorations and unchartered territory to enter our lives. This is a good thing because life is movement. Stagnation and patterns of behavior and thinking are not where we experience growth, evolution or resolution to the dilemmas of life. As Einstein famously said, you can’t solve problems with the same thinking that created them.
In order to get to that new thinking, we have to be willing
to notice where we can begin to introduce new options for responding and
dealing with challenges that are outside of our rote patterning. As with all change
this is a gradual and incremental way of working with ourselves and the world
in the most healing way possible. Because what the world truly needs most is
awake people living awakened lives.
This year marks twenty years that my husband and I have
lived in our current home. Over the past two decades we have accumulated a lot
of stuff – both precious treasures and our fair share of junk. We decided this spring
would be a great time to go through and decide what should stay and what could
be donated or simply pitched. I had a bit of resistance to beginning this task,
but as the project progressed, I was really starting to get into it.
In the past, I had some trouble parting with items that I
once loved. I often convinced myself I might have a use for it sometime in the
future, or simply felt unprepared to make any decision at all – so back in the
closet it went. But this time around something was different. I actually made
decisions with a fair amount of ease. When I was parting with items I once held
in fond regard, I felt a surge of gratitude with an added excitement that once
donated, someone else might come to enjoy this item as much as I did.
When it was all said and done, we had amassed an enormous
pile of items for donation and the recycling bin. Our closets, shelves and
drawers were spacious and transformed. What was an amazing and unexpected twist
was that my mind felt spacious and transformed too. There was some hidden
alchemy inexplicably held in the process of letting go of the old and leaving
space for the new. I felt lighter, fresher, inspired and excited in ways I
can’t quite articulate. I experienced a surge of creativity combined with
mental clarity that was both invigorating and yet peacefully calming.
I’ve thought a lot about how to account for this dramatic
result and it seems to speak to the level of mental burden we are unconsciously
experiencing by holding on too tightly, both to items/things and the emotions that
they trigger. Each little moment of gratitude and farewell sendoff I gave each
item was essentially an energetic clearing. I didn’t think of it that way at
the time, but the results clearly indicated that was indeed what had happened. It
was the magical combination of my readiness to let go of the past both tangibly
(in the form of the actual physical items) and mentally (a clear decision to
say goodbye without angst or regret and release my attachment).
As a result, I experienced the full emotional release that
comes when we let the past stay in the past and stop dragging it kicking and
screaming into the present. What that leaves is the freshness of the present
moment – pure, unadulterated and able to be whatever it is meant to be. And the
present moment is always where creativity and inspiration collide. It is the
birthplace of all growth, success and peace of mind. So, here’s to spring
cleaning, not only can we transform our physical living space, but more
importantly, our inner living space!
Last night I lay awake in bed, visited by that heavy sinking
feeling one experiences when they know certain choices and lifestyle aspects
are not serving their highest good. It seems as though nighttime in particular
is when these feelings rear their head. The busyness of life and daily tasks,
to-do lists and errands recede and we are left with feelings and emotions that
aren’t as easily avoided in the quiet dark of night.
For me, it was a two-fold uneasy feeling. The first being
the knowledge that there were things I knew I could stop doing to improve the
overall quality of my life. The second being the knowledge that there were
things I could start doing that would also increase my peace of mind and
overall well-being. So basically, things I knew would be worthwhile to
eradicate and things I knew would be highly beneficial to start engaging in.
This wasn’t a new epiphany but it was a wake-up call to listen with an open
heart to the intuitive knowing that I had been conveniently ignoring.
We get so busy and over extended that oftentimes we put off enacting the things we know would serve our highest good. If you’re like me, this is mainly because there is some level of comfort and familiarity with our old patterns, even if we realize they are detrimental to our health and well-being. There is also a certain amount of inertia we have to overcome to add new patterns and behaviors into our life. It is sometimes easier to travel the path of least resistance and keep telling ourselves that we are going to make those changes once we have more time or when things settle down. The list goes on and on of legitimate excuses we provide to ourselves and others as to why now isn’t the right time. But in that quiet moment in bed, I couldn’t fool myself with clever excuses.
I was face to face with the real truth that was keeping me
awake and restless. Why was I really unwilling to make the changes that would
improve my life…and what would it take to make me ready to enact those changes?
These are the really tough questions that we ultimately need to be asking
ourselves. And these questions often come with tough answers that are sometimes
hard and difficult to face. Answers that are more about our self-worth and self-love
versus not having time or being too busy. We often realize that we haven’t put
ourselves on our own to-do list and our behaviors are a form of self-sabotage
that keep us stuck in painful patterns.
So, I woke up that morning and decided to do something different. I decided to commit to a 90-day experiment of enacting the changes I know would improve my life and ceasing the activity I identified as detrimental to my well-being. I finally felt ready to take action after asking myself the tough questions and digesting the tough answers. I invite you to think about your own life in this transformative way and create your own experiment.
In 90 days, I will have created new behaviors and patterns
that will hopefully be contributing to increased peace, joy and satisfaction in
my life. If that is not the case, I am always free to go back to the old
patterns and choices. But I am going to take the leap and make these changes. I
think the importance of being earnest with ourselves about what is really at
stake is paramount. We have this precious gift of human life to enjoy and
savor. What are we waiting for?
I have not been nor will I ever be a perfect person. No
shocking truth revealed by that statement. But I was contemplating all the ways
in which my life and my choices have led me down some dark paths and disturbing
detours. Which in turn lead me directly to thinking about regret, guilt and how
to free ourselves from its punishing effects. How do we live these complicated
and complex human lives and not have regret?
In my own experience, I have found the key lies in the
stories we tell ourselves. Every mis-step and painful path I have taken
provided me with an opportunity. A choice to reframe and spin a transformation
narrative of redemption or wallow in self-loathing and judgmental disapproval
of myself. Of course, this is all only apparent to me in retrospect. I spent
plenty of years in the wallowing and regretful interpretation of my life
experiences. But now I can honestly say that I see things completely
Everything that happened to me led me here. I have no regrets. No desire to re-write history. No what-ifs. I now view my past and current challenges as transformation stories in the making. There is so much opportunity in our past if we spin the story to one that focuses on what we’ve learned from it versus how we were hurt, damaged or victimized by it. The truth is that every painful regret has cracked us open just a little more…and the cracks are where the light comes through. Shining brightly in our eyes and illuminating our minds, it has something important to reveal to us.
What is it telling us? How can we take the data we’ve been
collecting and use it to make our lives enriched with purpose, joy and meaning?
Can we come to a place of peace, understanding and acceptance that our past had
to be what it was in order for us to be where we are today? The truth is that Spirit
uses everything to lift us to our greatest potential. Let us all seek to become
better at allowing Spirit to assist us in reinterpreting our most painful
moments in the service of our highest good.
I had the opportunity to meet and visit one of my spiritual mentors. This was the second time I had the pleasure of meeting him in person. On this visit, I walked away with some new epiphanies in addition to the benefits and insights that come from being in the presence of a great teacher. Located out in the middle of pristine forested land in Alachua County Florida, sits a small building called The Temple of the Universe. It is on this property where Michael Singer resides. He has lived there since the 1970s when he built himself a home in the woods. His plan was to meditate in solitude and peace out in the woods away from the world. Of course, what unfolded over the next 40 years was much different than he originally planned. But that is another story, which he tells beautifully in his book The Surrender Experiment.
What I wanted to share today was more about the authenticity,
simplicity and refreshing nature of my time spent with Michael Singer at the
Temple. For those of you who don’t know, over those 40 years, Michael did quite
well for himself in the traditional way the world defines success. He was the
creator of one of the very first software programs that helped medical
practitioners to digitize their medical records. He was at the helm of a
billion-dollar public company whose achievements are archived in the
Smithsonian Institution. Michael ran it all from his property in the woods. A
fact I share with you only as a point of reference and context for what I am
going to elaborate on next.
You see, part of the magic and beauty of this place is that both the property and Michael are without any pretense. The Temple looks pretty much exactly as it would have when he built it in the 1970s. It is basic and simple, nothing is elaborately done or updated to look modern. There is no image promotion or concern about how this might look to potential visitors. There is no hype, spin or any thinly veiled attempt to sell or promote anything whatsoever. In other words, there is no show here. It is a beautiful space to gather and remains there with all its simplicity.
The same thing can be said about Michael. He is a shining example of what truly being of service to the world and humanity actually looks like. There is no marketing or promotion, no collection of donations or charge for anything whatsoever (and this has been the case for the past 40 years). The Temple has a weekly schedule of yoga, mantra chanting and talks by Michael. All of the programs they offer are free and open to everyone. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against people charging for their time and services. The point I am making here is that in this day and age, the amount of focus on self-promotion and self-aggrandizing has all gotten to be a bit much.
People can get so focused on their social media profile, Twitter
feed, marketing their message, and trying to sell and promote themselves that
it can start to become less about the service of helping others and more about
all those other things that seem oh so important to building a business. There
is an underlying feeling of “I’ve got to make this happen” and the mindset of
push energy, competition and masterminding outcomes that is so prevalent and in
vogue these days. Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with self-promotion
and marketing to clientele, however there has been some misdirection in
applying spiritual principle as a means to increase one’s bottom line and business
The highest spiritual mountaintop is not being able to manifest our own individual idea of success. The highest spiritual mountaintop is “how may I serve?”. When we go to the Universe/God/Spirit with that as our one and only goal everything we need will be added unto us. This will include meeting the right people, attracting clients to serve, and whatever else is necessary to do the job we have been assigned to do. All of this was demonstrated for me during my most recent visit. People have been coming to The Temple of the Universe for 40 years and there is no advertising campaign or clever marketing techniques to draw in visitors. It served as a wonderful reminder to take a step back and really look at our motives and behavior. Do we believe that we have to “take the bull by the horns” or do we trust that by staying in alignment with a service minded way of living everything we need will be laid before us? I think it’s an important point for all of us to consider.